Smile

I liked your poem !!!!!!!! I think it's very nice and cool .

*_*

-_-

Slandie

Hey there!

I agree with everyone else - to have such an interesting topic watered down so much is a bit of a disappointment. The rhyme scheme really constricts you here, and it doesn't need to - not all the lines rhyme anyway and those that do use quite redundant, boring words. They're just single syllable words that end in "ad". So if you use phrases that say a lot more ("that I became bad", for instance, is so generic!) the reader will, if anything, feel like they're getting more from it because you'll be describing rather than holding a gun to our head and telling us things.

As much as I pretend not to, I actually rather like rhyming poetry, but in a subtle way that gets to onto the next line through an original flow, and internal rhyme linking it all together. Really focus on that - linking together the poem with an interesting rhythm. Play around with the typical devices like alliteration. And imagery! More imagery! It opens up so many portals. Not only does it make a poem sound more varied, but it puts things in a new light.

So! Let me know if you rewrite this. =)

Blinky

Hola!

This, to me, seemed like a watered-down version of a psalm, which is really sad! I love the psalms... it was a combination of psalms, Shel Silverstein, and Pablo Neruda to get me to like poetry (I hated it before) and to see this verse? It's rather disappointing!

Here's a psalm that says (basically) what your poem says:

Psalm 35 (NIV)

Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
fight against those who fight against me.

2 Take up shield and buckler;
arise and come to my aid.

3 Brandish spear and javelin
against those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
"I am your salvation."

4 May those who seek my life
be disgraced and put to shame;
may those who plot my ruin
be turned back in dismay.

5 May they be like chaff before the wind,
with the angel of the LORD driving them away;

6 may their path be dark and slippery,
with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.

7 Since they hid their net for me without cause
and without cause dug a pit for me,

8 may ruin overtake them by surprise—
may the net they hid entangle them,
may they fall into the pit, to their ruin.

9 Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD
and delight in his salvation.

10 My whole being will exclaim,
"Who is like you, O LORD ?
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,
the poor and needy from those who rob them."

11 Ruthless witnesses come forward;
they question me on things I know nothing about.

12 They repay me evil for good
and leave my soul forlorn.

13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth
and humbled myself with fasting.
When my prayers returned to me unanswered,

14 I went about mourning
as though for my friend or brother.
I bowed my head in grief
as though weeping for my mother.

15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee;
attackers gathered against me when I was unaware.
They slandered me without ceasing.

16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked;
they gnashed their teeth at me.

17 O Lord, how long will you look on?
Rescue my life from their ravages,
my precious life from these lions.

18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly;
among throngs of people I will praise you.

19 Let not those gloat over me
who are my enemies without cause;
let not those who hate me without reason
maliciously wink the eye.

20 They do not speak peaceably,
but devise false accusations
against those who live quietly in the land.

21 They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha!
With our own eyes we have seen it."

22 O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.
Do not be far from me, O Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God;
do not let them gloat over me.

25 Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!"
or say, "We have swallowed him up."

26 May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

27 May those who delight in my vindication
shout for joy and gladness;
may they always say, "The LORD be exalted,
who delights in the well-being of his servant."

28 My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.

This is rather simplistic.

EL FINITO wrote:So I will smile for a while
And let my heart rejoice with wine
Then watch my enemies cry through the night

I agree with lilchoma. There are so many other wonderful words out there that it seems as though you did not care to fully describe your emotions. What's so hard? What does bad mean to you, and and why are your enemies glad? Though you raise an interesting idea when you say "If I should die in this world/what will I tell my God", I'm lost as to what the real idea of the poem is. It seems as though you've got some great ideas and have painted a single figure in the center of a blank canvas, but you should try adding a bit more into it as well as work on your word choice.

I'll start off with standard critiques, like grammar stuff. First,

"Why am I sad
Is it because am mad
Or because I make my enemy glad"

Needs question marks. And you missed the "I" between "because" and "am". Secondly, it just needs some punctuation all over, cause it doesn't flow well at all without it. Third,

"Though I know its hard
But I shall not become bad"

This could do without the "but" in the second line, it kind of messes up the purpose of "though" in the first, which shouldn't be followed by another conjunction.

"That I became bad
Because my enemies where glad
When I was sad"

I'm not a big fan of the whole rhyme scheme here, I just think it all sounds a little childish, what with "I became bad" and all. I mean maybe the narrator is supposed to be a child who knows, but if that's the case, then other areas of the poem have to be changed to fit that tone. For example, you'd have to do away with stuff like "shall", and "rejoice with wine". However, if the narrator is supposed to be older, then you need to switch around your word choice throughout the whole poem, because nothing in here is particularly well-expressed.

I'm sorry I'm being pretty critical, but I think the poem needs some help. On the plus side, though, it sounds like you've got some good and interesting thoughts going on here. Now you just need to find a better way to express them.

Keep working at it El Finito